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Name: Locke
State: Chile
Story:
Hi,
Just found out about the concept of APD, and it so clearly sums up the way I
tend to see the world that if even felt physically overwhelming to read.
I'm now a 27 male independent graphic designer. I think my nature began to
develop as a mix of bad neurotic genes (other people in the family have
anxiety related issues) and the sensation throughout my childhood that I was
of low value compared to my mother's work duty (I'm the only child of a
single mom, so she had to work very hard to support me, which even make/made
me feel guilty).
From early childhood I had a very difficult time handling failure and
rejection, so, as others have stated here (to my surprise, because I've
always felt that I'm the only weird person who functions like this) from
early childhood I began to construct intricate layers of armor to protect
myself from such feelings, instead of learning how to deal with them. And
suddenly those armors, developed by a child, were the unfitting pylons on
which my teenage and later functioning was constructed. I was utterly unable
to function socially in those years, I was very anxious at parties and every
rejection from girls, when I asked them to dance for example, was proof of
my unworthiness and inability to be "normal". Everybody else seemed to enjoy
so much those meetings, and I couldn't figure out how to do it, feeling very
frustrated and angry at myself. I forced me to attend social activities but
froze every time and watched silently from a corner. Other people perceived
me as arrogant and a jerk, but when I got to talk one-on-one to somebody, I
proved gentle and funny. I still have no problem speaking to an audience or
to 2-3 people max, but whenever I'm in a group, I isolate and observe from
outside.
I'm over-analytical about everything happening with me and the way people
behaves around me, and I've got extremely good at establishing patterns that
give me a sense of control over what's happening, so I can avoid rejection.
But more often that not it leads to mentally repeating a given situation
over and over again feeling hatred toward s myself for not being able to do
this, or for saying or not saying that.. basically, for not meeting my
expectations about my performance in a given activity, specially involving
other people.
But here's the part of my experience that maybe can help others towards
feeling more comfortable about themselves and around others:
- At first, I stopped blaming my mother for me being unable to be happy. I
recognize that I'm the only obstacle between me and the person I want to be.
Self pity can be addictive, externalizing the guilt for "not being able to
be normal" can be relieving, but turning the responsibility back to one self
gives a very pleasant sense of control, something that can be worked out
alone.
- I try to use my obsession with controlling things to be safe to better
myself. First of all, the over-analysis thing comes in handy when getting to
know oneself motivations, drives, behaviors and sources of fear, and keep a
constant log to chart where are those awkward feelings coming from, what
triggers them, etc. Thus, being the above-average intellects we APDs seem to
be, is easy to rationally deconstruct and chart one's functioning, and to
set goals towards improvement. Even more, this behavioral pattern tracing
skill allow us to understand other people's behavior some times even better
than themselves (and we could make wonderful psychologists if we weren't so
self-concerned... in fact, caring about others is a wonderful technique to
stop being overwhelmed by our inner self-loathing thinking).
- The fear of rejection can be used to excel in what you do! it's the
ultimate motivation, though not a pleasant one... I have to admit that I
have little patience with things I'm not good at right away, but in those
that I seem to have skill for (usually things involving, ironically,
expression, like arts and creativity) i set myself standards so high and I
scold me so brutally for not achieving what I expected, that I usually
outperform the average standards, and because I'm not a social persona, I'm
never competing against anybody's idea of "good enough" but my own. I never
get to compliment myself for my achievements, though, and I'm brutally
severe with failures. I think the only field in which I kind of "normal",
not only that, but a charismatic "winner" is about my work, but it's because
I have never experienced rejection in that area before, and A) only can be
free from fear in those kind of situations, can't translate the feeling to
other aspects of life an B) I constantly lock myself in work whenever I feel
like a failure in the emotional field.
- Use that annoying bias to please other people to avoid rejection and try
to please your own expectations about yourself! this can forge you will
power strong enough to start taking steps towards "normal". Try approaching
techniques, small goals that build up your confidence to a greater overall
objective of being freed from yourself, while still avoiding that much
frustration (because you're setting yourself achievable mini-goals). This I
think it's my greatest achievement so far... the lowest I can fall when I
think I'm drowning is a lot higher than it used to be... In my teens, my
normal state was like a -30 (while a happy healthy person would be at a 60),
and now I know that, no matter how strong the anxiety and fear and self-hate
feelings get, I will not fall lower than -10... because I worked hard to
make those small steps part of my "secure reality".
- Make a choice! the longer you linger to your protective armor, the longer
will it take for you to catch up with your social skills/emotional
development. The armor sure can protect you from harm but also keeps you
from the good things bonds with people have to offer (yet I have to admit
that I still wish for not to be subdued by the intense, painful feelings of
loneliness and rejection, like I could shut them off somehow).
- Try not to escape into fantasy, although it's tempting...
I have yet to overcome many issues, such as:
- Overcoming rejection, specially from women... I have still to learn to
trust again after immensely painful experiences, because of when you bond
with no armor, it's incredibly difficult to severe a bond that's not healthy
anymore... so I have spent much more time trying to forget and overcome the
memories and repair myself from the feeling that "i wasn't good enough",
than the time I actually get to enjoy a relationship. And then I have to
overcome the natural instinct to not put myself at risk again.
- Limiting the "experimenting" and "information gathering" when interacting
with people, in a constant build up to have all the knowledge required to
understand "how being normal works" to lower the risk of failure... I
realized that I ended up using people as "test subjects" and molding myself
constantly to what I reasoned was a likeable version of myself. Instead I
have to work on keeping in the mood I feel the best about myself, although
that takes a huge amount of emotional energy and can't keep it up always,
specially when stressed.
Well, I think that sums up... it was a relief just reading other people's
experiences, although frightening to get this sense of "I will live with
this forever, despite therapy and medication"... I really want this
overwhelming fear and sadness to end some day, is not fun at all. The only
thing I strongly disagree with other people's experiences is that I do wish
for other people to read me down to the bottom, i long for it, actually; I'm
incredibly tired of translating myself to a "human" social language, when
most of the time I doubt I belong to the same species as the rest.
Well, hope all this ranting helps somebody else!
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