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Name: Kelly
State: FL
Story:
I was always a shy person as far back as I can remember. The real early
memories that I do have are mostly hurtful, fearful or painful ones from my
parents or childhood friends. My father was a missionary in Brazil where I
grew up. He left his first wife and married my mom, a young, 21 year old,
Brazilian. When I was born my father was sixty. When I was four my mom took
me on a car ride with a taxi driver and had sex with him before my very
eyes. Months later, after vivid fights with my father and mean, hateful
treatment of me, she divorced him and left us. Those events probably
attributed a lot to my Avoidant personality disorder today since the
disorder is essentially related to a fear of being rejected. I was rejected
by one of the two major persons in my life at the time, my mother. later, at
19, my father would do the same. He told me when I was 14 that he would only
help me go to college if it was Bible school, but after I was finished, I
could do whatever i wanted. Well, I totally skipped high school with a GED
and finished college. But when I went to teach instead of the pastorate, he
kicked me out. He along with all my relatives were "disappointed" with my
decision. I had only made it in the first place, not to be rejected by him.
Later in life between the ages of 25 and 28 I became a heavy drinker and
drug abuser just to deal with my shyness and fear of rejection of people.
The alcohol helped relieve my inhibitions around people and especially
girls. But I had to drink alot for this to happen which would just result in
a real obnoxious person. No matter where i was, in the US or Brazil I was a
total recluse. Brazilians are a very outgoing, open, warm people while I on
the other hand am the direct opposite. During this time of heavy chemical
use I got a job at a Japanese engineering company's office. I felt great
around the engineers from different countries because they were totally
objective, direct and non-emotional. I had my little office and was left
alone. What I hated was to go to the the copy machine where the four,
outgoing, Brazilian girls were. After a year at the company, it got to the
point where I would get intestinal pains just to think of going there. Once,
two cornered me to ask more about me and if i could dance. I remember just
freezing up and almost fainting. They laughed it off while I just walked
away. Finally the office moved and I was left alone to my overwhelming
delight.
I am now 29 still fighting this emotional disease but have found that
talking about it helps. I am now living with my mom and sister who both know
I have it. My mother and I have made amends about the past and I have
forgiven her totally. Recently, due to my investigation of Psychological
diseases for myself, I found that my mother has Antisocial Personality
Disorder which would explain a lot about her past actions. We try to listen
and council each other daily and have found myself overcoming, slowly but
surely, this otherwise debilitating disease.
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